Words left unsaid

Philippians 2:13
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

I want to focus on the first part of this statement, that "God is working in you" These past four years have been interesting to say the least. Before I graduated high school I lost my grandmother, a few periods after that I had tried to kill myself and waking up and hoping it would just be over. From here I decided to move and keep trying to figure out what Jesus wanted me to do, I joined a bible study and as my faith changed and grew, my lust grew as well. As I kept pursuing Jesus, my mom got sick my sister got into a abusive relationship. After that dad was not home and I was by myself, and Id like to say I stuck and threw everything at Jesus, but no I just grew deeper into lust. It was Aug first when my mother officially passed and my sister came back home the December before that.


As transferring to different seasons of life and things coming to a close and new things opening up it is time to reflect. I don't know if its PTSD after taking loss after loss and my family becoming unglued. If its me just being sad, and trying to grieve, and to be honest I think its the latter of the two. But here is the thing, I don't know how and really I haven't had a chance to I am not exactly happy, but then I am not exactly sad either. I just don't know and if I am upset, lets at least put it on paper. As far as what my heart is saying, is give up your lust and receive more of Gods grace and truly repent, and seek forgiveness, and when you say grieving its not something I have had the opportunity to do.

But exchanging lust for Christ love, that the real test of being vulnerable. That's not something I really know how to do, but I think this is the first step in taking a chance, and learning to live in Christ.